Oh my god, this is driving me crazy..i need my tucker back..i didnt even get to say good bye to him and my dad just got rid of him while i was at school..i hated him for days on end..its still difficult for me and that was at least 3 years ago..i cannot get over this..my tucker..he is gone..im never going to see him again and i cannot face that..i know it's true, but, he was my baby..you'd probably say, oh, he's just a dog..but, you see, tucker wasnt just a dog to me..he was my best friend and, and, someone i could tell everything and he wouldn't judge me..i have so many good memories of him and now he's gone and those are painful to me..there was no closure..he just was gone one day and i just started bawling..i was freaking out, running through the house, calling his name..when i realized he was gone, i fell to my knees and to the floor..the tears just flowed out like the source of a stream..
I have been crying for the last half hour..i found a stocking i made him for christmas..the memories just crashed back into my head..why why why!!!! why did he have to go..why couldnt we have gotten him back before he went to North Carolina..i dont know how to fix this situation, it isn't like my other ones, there was closure there, not now, and i fear there never will be..he will die and i will get news and im gonna cry until there are no tears left..and then i will start throwing up..i know it..i just wanna scream for him right now and hope he will hear it and come back to me..we can run away forever..i could have my tucker back..
so, the screen is blurring up as my tears are running faster, so i need to get off..i am going to cry through tomorrow, hopefully i dont just start crying in school...that would be so embarrasing..it has happened before..maybe i should talk to my mom about seeing my school counselor.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
March 23rd, 2010
I just want to die..i hate my mom..i hate my dad..they are stupid!..my mom keeps fucking changing her rules so that I can just keep getting in trouble..once i go to college i am never, EVER going to fucking look at her againn..i want to be gone..i wishh someone would just adopt me out of this family..this is horrible..my mom complains and complains and complains..it's endless!!!GOD!!!I wanna run away and never look back..i wanna go somewhere where my mom will never guess..I wanna be away from her, from her rules, from her bitchiness..she just gets mad for nothing and it hurts me inside..I am not going to include her in anything once I move out, I am done with her, FOREVER!!!!there is not one law that says you need to stay with your parents once you turn 18..I am packing the day before my 18th birthday and before school the next day, I am moving out, I dont care where..and she will never see me again..ever..she doesn't make me happy in anyway..she just yells at everyone besides her clients and her 3 wonderful baby boys that are just sooooooooooo innocent..my ass..i just really needed to ventilate and this hasn't really helped..usually it does, but right now, it doesnt for some reason..i stay away from my mom because I dont want to be like her..I never, ever want to be like her..I dont want to put my kids through that stuff or anything..but, im going to go..hopefully i will be around to post again.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
March 14th, 2010
I hate having a certain brother. He hit me today. That just pissed me off. But, also, today I truly realized how much hate I truly have towards my brother. When I hit him back, I felt like I never wanted to stop. He gets no discipline, but he gets rewarded for everything, good, or bad. It's ridiculous. Sometimes I just want to punch my mom in the face because she treats him like that. Anyhow, I tried morning church today, I couldn't stand it. I mean, it's not that I was bored, it's just I was really, really, extremely tired. But, I have actually decided to get a job this summer. I mean, I'd only work 3 or 4 hours a day for only like 3 days a week because I'm underage for it. But, tonights service was pretty fun. We all laughed a lot and my boyfriend and I kept making jokes tha whole time. But, outside of church, today was absolutely beautiful. I just loved the weather today. I actually did not need to wear any coat. I had on a SHORT SLEAVE shirt. I was so surprised. So, they tried to get me to clean and I got grossed out real quick, so I decided to take my dog for a walk with my bf. I'm just going to call him bf from now on because boyfriend is too much to type a bunch of times in a row. So yep. But, I need to go to bed. It's midnight already, and I need to get up early, so, good night, unless it's daytime when you're reading this. Well, you get the point, so, bye bye.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
March 10th, 2010
Well, I should be cleaning because my friends are coming over tomorrow, but, I have an hour to spare, I think I can type in a little.
So, I slept in until 6.05 this morning, but, my boyfriend woke me up because i told him to come over at about 5.40 and I fell back asleep. Then, I had the usual school day, no homework tonight (yay!!!). Right after school, my mom picked me up and we went to pick my brothers up from school ten minutes away. After that, we headed to my aunt's birthday that was another 15 minutes away. We had fun there, I especially had a lot of fun with my little cousins. Haha. He was funny. But, we headed home at about 6.20 PM and got home in time for me to run into the house to grab my bible and we headed to Church. Ever since I was baptised a few days ago on Sunday night, church has been a lot funner. It's odd. But, anyhow, I really need to clean, so, bye!
So, I slept in until 6.05 this morning, but, my boyfriend woke me up because i told him to come over at about 5.40 and I fell back asleep. Then, I had the usual school day, no homework tonight (yay!!!). Right after school, my mom picked me up and we went to pick my brothers up from school ten minutes away. After that, we headed to my aunt's birthday that was another 15 minutes away. We had fun there, I especially had a lot of fun with my little cousins. Haha. He was funny. But, we headed home at about 6.20 PM and got home in time for me to run into the house to grab my bible and we headed to Church. Ever since I was baptised a few days ago on Sunday night, church has been a lot funner. It's odd. But, anyhow, I really need to clean, so, bye!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
March 9th, 2010
I have been so lucky with my boyfriend. Too many things have happened and he has stayed with me the whole time. We talk about everything and anything and we aren't afraid to talk about anything. Then, I can trust him with absolutely anything. My mom still drives me nuts. She will be sitting there with a baby that doesn't need to be held every second and demand for me to do things with her, which is absolutely ridiculous. I'll sit down and she'll make me do something. Sometimes I just want to run away and never look back. I never want to think of her ever again. My dad is fine. He treats me fair. I always say, "I'd rather be treated fairly rather then get things I want." My dad treats me fairly and he isn't wanting to know every fact of my life. People say 'oh, this is just a phase, your a teenager, you'll realize your mom was helping you and you'll say thank you one day.' I don't think that I'm going to thank her for hitting me repeatedly for a phone. A phone. A stupid fricking object because she wants to know every aspect of my life. I just want away. I want freedom. I want to be where I can do what I like to do without getting my mom's opinion on every little thing. Once my boyfriend gets a job and a car, I think I'm going to stay with my dad full-time. Then I'd be happy. Wait. Nope. That won't ever fricking happen!!! I have memories of Tucker, my Pug/Boston Terrier and Bubba, my schipperke. Tucker was my second dog, but the phone that made the biggest impact on my life. I got him when I was 7 and my dad gave him away when I was 12. The thing I cannot bear about it is that I never, ever even got to say goodbye. Now, Bubba, he was the second dog I got really attached to. I had him for a few months and he died from a stroke. He wasn't even a year old. The doctor said he probably had a weak heart. I still cry about Bubba a lot. We had a funeral for him. He is buried right next to the tree in our back yard. He was a little dog, yet he made such a big impact on me. Now, those aren't the only things that put pressure on my emotions and will forever.
The other things are the things I have done with guy. The first guy I was with, never dated me. Never showed any interest besides sexual attraction. The thing about this is that he is my boyfriends best friend. I lost my virginity to him and he was a total dick. After about 2 or 2 1/2 months, my mom thought I was pregnant and the pregnancy appeared to be positive. We called him to the house and we both started crying. I wasn't going to give the baby up, but, he thought I should give the baby up for adoption or get an abortion. He told me about his life. About his biological dad being in jail for child support and stuff like that and he was sitting there and he started crying. That fucked my life up forever. Almost three months later, I met my current boyfriend and we have been together since. 5 months into our relationship, his other friend told me that he was with his ex up at her house and that messed up my head. He wanted to sleep with me. But, I felt the need to get him back although he was innocent, but, I didn't know that at the time, so I went ahead and had sex with this one guy I had met the day before. He was 15, I was 13. I felt so stupid. I felt like shit. I wanted to die. I lived in secrecy up until about 3 or 4 months ago when I decided that I needed to tell him about it. He took it like it wasn't a big deal because I told him the full story and we're still together.
But, I need to go to bed. School tomorrow. I am not sure when I will be able to post again. Birthday and church tomorrow. Friends spending the night thursday. Cooking and cleaning Friday. Maybe more friends saturday. Church sunday. I really dont know. But, I am going to bed. So, bye.
The other things are the things I have done with guy. The first guy I was with, never dated me. Never showed any interest besides sexual attraction. The thing about this is that he is my boyfriends best friend. I lost my virginity to him and he was a total dick. After about 2 or 2 1/2 months, my mom thought I was pregnant and the pregnancy appeared to be positive. We called him to the house and we both started crying. I wasn't going to give the baby up, but, he thought I should give the baby up for adoption or get an abortion. He told me about his life. About his biological dad being in jail for child support and stuff like that and he was sitting there and he started crying. That fucked my life up forever. Almost three months later, I met my current boyfriend and we have been together since. 5 months into our relationship, his other friend told me that he was with his ex up at her house and that messed up my head. He wanted to sleep with me. But, I felt the need to get him back although he was innocent, but, I didn't know that at the time, so I went ahead and had sex with this one guy I had met the day before. He was 15, I was 13. I felt so stupid. I felt like shit. I wanted to die. I lived in secrecy up until about 3 or 4 months ago when I decided that I needed to tell him about it. He took it like it wasn't a big deal because I told him the full story and we're still together.
But, I need to go to bed. School tomorrow. I am not sure when I will be able to post again. Birthday and church tomorrow. Friends spending the night thursday. Cooking and cleaning Friday. Maybe more friends saturday. Church sunday. I really dont know. But, I am going to bed. So, bye.
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